Relationship Work: Communication, Love & Sex

If relationship work was a delicious cocktail: the techniques and ingredients I use come from Compassionate Communication and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy poured into a speciality glass of Narrative and Systemic Family Therapy approaches to couple work, with a twist of Queer Theory.

I work with a variety of relationships and I have specialist training, research and teach at a doctorate level on therapeutic conversations about gender and sexual diversity. I also respect and welcome individuals from all sexualities as well as kink and polyamorous communities. It is very common for one person to be seeking therapy more than the other, and for both people to have different hopes or envisioned paths for the future. Therefore safety, carefulness and non-judgement is super important.

Let’s remember, the Greeks had beautiful words to capture the spectrum of love’s various meanings:

• Eros (romantic, passionate love)

• Philia (affectionate love)

• Agape (selfless, universal love)

• Storge (familiar love)

• Mania (obsessive love)

• Ludus (playful love)

• Pragma (enduring love)

• Philautia (self love)

I make it clear that the values of your unique relationship are at the centre of our conversations, not my own.

Ironically, most approaches to relationship therapy rely on an individualistic understanding of the self and as such are focused on helping each completely separate individual in the relationship to better communicate their own wants and needs to another completely separate individual.

When in a relationship, we are in a relational system so our actions and inactions, our words and our silence, inescapably shape our partner’s sense of self. It is important to remember this is true, whether or not the effects of our everyday interactions are intentional. With this in mind, we can become more aware and accountable to the impact of our behaviours on others.

Rather than advocating for our individual values and needs, in therapy, we can consider our relational values. Good relationship work, is not about being more individual, rather it is about getting clear on our shared stories of self and how we hope our partners feel about themselves when they are in a relationship with us, what everyday ‘signals’ we wish to be sending them, what ‘messages’ we hope they pick up on.

I help relationships to identify their own hopes for how their partners experience themselves as a partner and as a person. It is often very useful to explore potential ways that current actions and inactions play a role in contributing to our partners story of their self, including but not limited to, how they feel.

The relationship patterns can be likened to a dance, and the dance steps are important to understand. A common dance that takes place in relationships is the one of taking space and coming closer, of advancing and retreating, of pulling away and leaning in. This is a dance we often learn from our families of origin, and is one that often benefits from looking at closely to choose adaptations to the steps and rhythms based on your values.

Finally, no relationship exists in a vacuum. It is essential to put problems and people into the unique contexts in which they exist. We live in unprecedented times, and the social context (including the online world) shapes our relationships in ways we sometimes do not appreciate.

If you are considering relationship therapy, here is a digital contact card with information you may wish to share:

Therapy With Families, Chosen Families & Young People

I have over 14 years experience working in the NHS in children and family services. I work part of the week at Great Ormond Street Hospital and have a background in Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services and Young Refugee Community Charities.

A family can be defined in a way that is meaningful to you. Your family may be birth or blood family or the family of your partner. For some, chosen families are important, “we are like sisters”, or “he’s our uncle but he isn’t technically related”. I hear stories of birth families sometimes being estranged and queer-families, tribes or clans being important. In some communities, people who have died and are not present in body, are still invited a place at the table, literally and symbolically, and in narrative therapy we talk about bringing their special ideas, wisdom, legacies and so on, back into our lives so to speak. Some families are broad reaching, and some more select in number.

I often work with parents or carers who may wish to support their child or young person indirectly, by thinking about the situation and how to respond creatively and effectively. We know that often, two heads are better than one! Looking after yourself as a parent or carer, can be like putting  on the oxygen mask on a plane before attending to those around you.

I believe that it is impossible to not communicate when in a network, and even doing nothing or silence effects others. As such, therapy can be a place to consider carefully, how to go on. We may decide to invite someone in your family or network along to hear their perspective and stories.

Whatever your gang, their ideas and values might be really important to hear!

Trans, Non-Binary & Gender Expansiveness

I have specialist training in this area. Check out this video for The Counselling Directory to get a flavour of what I offer and my top tips for seeking talking therapy. You can also catch me on BBC Sounds, Radio 4 ‘Bringing Up Britain’ where I delve into the intricacies of gender identity for young people, parents and therapists.

My approach is shaped by my doctoral community-action-research with the trans community, delving into the myriad factors affecting trans individuals. I focus on identifying areas that require change, both at the Near Levels (Individual; Relationships; Community; Online; Media Representations) and Distant Levels (Mental Health Services & Professionals; Education; Criminal Justice System; Socio-Political & Policy). For a rigorous roundup see: Duncan M. D. (2017) The Theatre of Life: Collective Narrative Practice with Trans Young People in the Community.

In terms of working with young trans people: Many parents feel conflicting parts of themselves on the one hand wanting the best, whilst on the other hand unsure how to go forward. I acknowledge the complexity of this evolving field and bring valuable experience in providing holistic support to young people exploring their gender identities. My approach strikes a balance, valuing and listening to the voices of young people and families while fostering exploration and embracing uncertainty and multiple possibilities.

Affirmative practice does not entail promoting a specific outcome; rather, it recognises the equal value of all paths and identities, embracing gender diversity as an integral part of human diversity.

I also challenge the misconception that mental health or neurodiversity hinder a person's self-knowledge and agency in their gender journey. Many psychologists share this perspective, and there is no evidence to suggest that the presence of either should negate that of the other. Moreover I am critical of the false binary that continues to be perpetuated between ‘affirmative’ practice and exploration and curiosity. The WPATH Standards of Care 8 (2022) state that exploration, curiosity, and difficult discussions are only possible within a trusting therapeutic relationship whereby a young person feels that their identity, thoughts, and feelings are being respected.

It is essential to remember that we do not exist in isolation but in a world sadly plagued by hate crimes and discrimination. This non-affirming environment bombards individuals with negative messages, shaping their sense of self on a daily basis. I believe in adopting a strengths-based approach to counteract this damage, challenging capitalist gender stereotypes, cis-centric and heteronormative services and representations. In the words of Paulo Freire, "Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral."

Together, we can navigate the complexities of this evolving field and empower individuals to authentically express their true selves.

Physical Health & Paediatric Psychological Support

I have 6 years of experience working in a Paediatric Psychology Service at Great Ormond Street Hospital, helping to support patients, families, nurses and Dr’s with the ripple effects of life with a medical condition. I also work part-time on at adult Cystic Fibrosis ward.

Support may mean helping patients with things like coming to terms with a new or multiple medical diagnoses, taking medication, preparing for treatments, and how very often a medical condition can take up space, overshadow and eclipse a person’s sense of who they are outside of the medical story. Re-connecting to what might have been lost, and exploring the areas of life outside of this one area, things like hobbies and interests, work, and relationships can be deeply meaningful. However, each person’s needs are completely unique.

I also help people to make shared plans for their medical life, and join things up with the professionals involved where needed.

Therapy As Celebration & Witnessing

Here’s a secret: You don’t have to have a ‘problem’ to come to therapy.

I offer something which you might not immediately think of in western culture since therapy is sometimes seen as ‘solving a problem’, but arguably, it can also be a space for acknowledging how you have survived a storm once it has passed, or learning from a time that has gone well to build on this momentum. Therapy can help to bare witness and celebrating things people have already done to overcome struggles themselves.

By acknowledging the ways we have already responded to hardship, and finding how to celebrate this, we can learn a great deal and build upon what we know works well already. It can be transformative and deeply meaningful. In many communities, overcoming life’s storms is a rite of passage, and something to be celebrated. 

We all have the right to have people who are important to us, invited to bare witness to our stories of hardship and overcoming, and to recognise the way this has shaped us. I can help facilitate baring witness to stories, sharing narratives of struggle with the people that matter. When people bare witness in a particular way, they carry the way they see us into their everyday lives. This can help to shape our identity in a way that we want to me known.